This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
