apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
