Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Jerry, you need to find god
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
