Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
