Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
