I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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