We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
