So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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