Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
