are you so shy because you have an std?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
