Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
