She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
