Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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