just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
