i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
