be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
