isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
