Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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