Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
