I wish I could teleport
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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