So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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