i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
