i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
