I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
