pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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