im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
