Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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