I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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