The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
