New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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