remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
