It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
