words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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