Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
