guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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