how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
