Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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