is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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