is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
