I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
