Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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