there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
