the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
