Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
