Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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