I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
