just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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