if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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