I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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