Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
