A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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