I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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