Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
