Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
