I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
