She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
