Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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