The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
