i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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