But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize