I never want to see another naked old woman again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
