I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
