my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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