I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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