That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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