I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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