I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
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I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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