If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dick very happy bro
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
